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Polygamous, polyamorous, monogamous, monoromantic, polysexual, asexual, and I’m sure a few I’ve forgotten or never heard of.
As I’ve made my own explorations around how I believe I am relationally inclined, I found that none of these really fit, for multiple reasons. I’ve found that every friend I’ve wanted to have benefits with are ones I also have and do develop romantic feelings around.
If I’m going to tie you up, spank you, set you on fire, fuck you or engage in any other such delights, I need to know that the “Yes” I get from you is a yes that you mean, not one that you have given under duress, or because you’re expected to, or because you just figure you oughta.
That’s what I mean by “Only yes means yes.” It often feels to me that, despite all the focus kinksters put on consent and negotiation, there’s very little addressing how to do those things without coercion.
It means that if someone prefers to communicate in hints and flirtations , we’re not going to be able to do anything together.
Consent, to me, is so much more than negotiating and honoring safewords.
Some folks think that asking for permission isn’t sexy. You know how many times I’ve asked “Can I kiss you?
None of that takes into account social pressures, the conditioning that some people have to say “Yes,” the subtle ways that people can be coerced, or the effects of an expectation of availability.
That’s why I like “only yes means yes” as a starting point.
I see a world around me in which consent is not valued.
Some people are socialized to accept that things are taken from them and others are socialized to take.